Tuesday, January 7, 2014

Nagging Fear


So, apparently my current streak lasted all of one day.  The perils of being dependent upon someone else’s technology, I suppose, include inconsistent web access.  Dang it.

I’ve got a not-so-secret secret.  Just about everyone who knows me knows it.  Heck, I may have even confessed it here on these pages sometime in the past.  The secret?  I’m a ‘fraidy-cat.  No, seriously, Things scare me. Lots of things.  Flying.  High places in general (if you can see out; being inside tall buildings isn’t too much of an issue as long as I stay away from windows).  Driving over bridges.  I don’t know, now that I think about it, maybe it’s just heights, but it feels like more than that.  Really, I think it’s the unknown, and a lack of control.  And, of course, heights.

I’ve lived with being a ‘fraidy-cat all my life, and I mostly manage just fine, though I do think sometimes it prevents me from doing things I might actually enjoy.  A couple of years ago, when we took a tour in a seaplane up in Vancouver, I was terrified.  Literally, white-knuckled terrified the entire time.  But I can’t deny it was beautiful, and I’m glad I fought my fear and did it.  I’m not sure I’d do it again, but I’m still glad I did it once.

As I read through my study guide preparing for the Certified Paralegal exam that I’ve got coming up next week, I feel that fear of the unknown again.  And another fear that I haven’t mentioned yet but that many people are more familiar with: the fear of failure.  That’s a big one, and sometimes it can be paralyzing.  I was scared when I started back to school last year, but I not only survived, but even thrived.  And I was scared when I returned to the work into a brand new field force this past summer, but that has worked out okay, too.  So I’m truly glad I worked through my fear and made myself take those steps.  In those cases, I might even do them again. 

But this exam . . . it’s weird the way everything I’ve been studying for the past fifteen months or so seems to have flown right out of my head.  But the one fact I can’t seem to shake is the ugly statistic that less than 40% of applicants pass the CP the first time around.  Forty percent.  That’s crazy.  And, if you ask me, something to be scared about.  But still, I sit here and I study, reading, highlighting, taking notes, trying to commit it all to memory.   Because I know that I will overcome my fear of this exam and make myself take it.  But, like so many things, I’m not sure I could make myself do it a second time, so I really need to make the first time count.