Friday, April 30, 2010

All about me

Here's the problem: I've gotten fat. I'd like to sugar-coat that a little bit, and maybe say "plump", or "overweight", but I'm pretty sure that sugar coating has caused a lot of the problem.
The solution? Lose weight.
Well, yeah. Sounds simple, right? But, like a lot of people (especially a lot of women), my weight has been a constant battle as long as I can remember. I put on a few pounds; I go on a diet and lose a few. Gain a few more, get on some exercise regimen for a while, and lose a few more. The problem has always been that the few I take off are never the same few that I put on, and over the years that has led me to where I am now. I always think it's not that bad, or I'll do something about it later, or some other platitude to hide the bitter truth that I need to get off my butt and make some changes. I've decided it's time to do that.
So why now? A bunch of things. I'm more and more annoyed by the me I see in the mirror. It's harder and harder and harder to walk up stadium steps to our seats. My husband is increasingly less attracted to me. I'll be forty-seven in a few months, which is pretty close to fifty, and it seems to me that fiftyish people ought to be more in control of their lives than I am of mine. Next year is our 25th wedding anniversary. I'm hoping for a cruise to celebrate. The cruise is really still a big maybe at this point, but if it happens, I'd like to be comfortable walking around in shorts. Heck, maybe even a swim suit.
All of those things have been rolling around in my brain lately. But the final straw was a recent picture. Just a snapshot, nothing fancy about it, just goofiness going on at work. But when I saw it, I sort of couldn't believe it was me. I mean, I've always known I was too big; always realized I needed to lose weight. But it wasn't until I saw that picture that I really and truly believed that I was fat. It was eye-opening. And a little heart-breaking. So, time to change.
And why this post? Well, like I said, I've made the decision to lose weight countless times over the years. Sometimes it's worked (at least for the short term), and sometimes I've just let the idea fizzle out and never even really gotten motivated enough to truly do anything about it. I don't want this time to be like all the others. I don't want to just say I want to lose weight and never do it. I don't want to lose five or ten pounds and a few months from now add them back again. I want to make an actual change in my life. I want to feel better—physically, mentally, emotionally—and I want to keep feeling better. So, this post sort of serves as my promise to myself. I'm going to work hard this time. I don't want to be some Barbie doll, and I don't expect to lose all the weight I need to lose quickly. This is a long road I'm setting out on, and I wanted to announce my intentions formally, because I think that will make me feel more committed. Not that this blog serves as anything more than the occasional diary, anyway—no one reads it. I just come back to it now and again when I want to chat about something or practice writing skills or something. But I'm going to try and use it now to help keep myself on track. I'm sort of a private person, so I don't want to join a gym or a group that weighs in every week, or anything like that. I don't want one of those "accountability partners", at least not a living one. This blog is going to do that for me. It's going to be the thing that I see every time I log onto my computer, taunting me if I haven't made the effort I needed to make, encouraging me when I feel like I can't make the effort any longer, and applauding me when my efforts finally start paying off. It's going to keep me honest. And if I fail, then I'll have to put it in writing. That ought to be enough to make anyone stick to their guns.
So, let me go on record now with my goals:
  • I want to lose 88 pounds. (I thought it would be 85, but apparently that splurge weekend I had before starting my regimen wasn't a good idea!)
  • I want to be more physically fit. I know that's not very specific, but that's what I want—just to be in better shape. Maybe I should list the goal as "able to walk to our football seats without feeling like I need oxygen". J
  • My time frame is about 14 months. July, 2011 is my 25th anniversary, so that's where I've set my sights.
  • I want to update this blog at least weekly. This is Friday, and I actually started this journey a few days ago, but I want to keep a record. At a minimum, I'm going to update on my days off from work. No excuse then not to spend a few minutes and jot something down.
Okay, I think that's it. This is about me becoming a better me, a me that I don't feel ashamed of in the mirror or in photos, a me that's healthier and happier, a me that I want to be. Here's to me.